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Need a Good Laugh? Learn how to give your cat a pill!
By Carol LeBeau
12/30/2013 11:24:43 AM


My sweet kitty, Bing, is getting over a little infection. The vet said it was no big deal. All I had to do was give her a tiny pill twice a day for a week.  

Bing is young…an adolescent, really…and not very cooperative (to say the least) when it’s time for her pill.  Anyone with a cat can identify with my dilemma. Talking with my step-Mom, Kaye about battling with Bing and her pills, we had a good laugh about “herding cats” and the like.  

Two days later, a note from Kaye arrived “snail mail.” Inside was a copy of an old Ann Landers column from 1999 which included a piece called “How to Give Your Cat a Pill,” by Bob Story.  

It’s hilarious.  In fact, I haven’t laughed that hard in years – no decades!  That laughing jag made me feel so good; I’ve decided to pass it along.  And please, no complaints from cat lovers.  (I love cats more than anyone, believe me!)  It’s just a piece of humor.  I hope it gives you a chuckle.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill  
By Bob Story
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Repeat the process.   
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from living room valance.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for later gluing. Remove next pill from foil wrap.
Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head visible under assistant’s armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow.
Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take away taste. Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.  Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.  Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table.  Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves.  Force cat’s mouth open with tire iron.  Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat’s mouth.  Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling and pour one-half pint of water down cat’s throats and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter and adopt a goldfish.

There you have it. And now it’s time to give Bing her next pill. This is gonna be fun!